On Potty Training

Originally, I was hoping to write my blog posts in a logical order, but I don't think that's going to happen. I'll just do my best to link to related posts as I go. :)

I've had a couple of conversations about potty training recently, so it's on my mind, and I'd like to share some thoughts about my experience. (I've only been through this with one child so far, so I'm sure I'll have a whole different set of thoughts and experiences in the future!)

Tip #1: Don't read potty training books. No, seriously, you can if you want. I like to read all about things before I try anything, but be sure to talk to real people and hear their stories and get a variety of opinions before feeling like you need to follow a particular "approach". See Intro. to Parenting: Advice about changing your mind on approaches as you go. (Every kid is different, right?)

What I really mean, though, is beware what potty training books you read with your kids. One of the books that I read suggested watching potty training videos with your kids and and reading books about kids potty training. THINK CAREFULLY about what books and videos you use!

Resources we tried:

Two books from the library - We started reading these a week or two before beginning official potty training. Both books from the library had the same basic plot: Mommy gives little kid a potty/potty seat and big kid underwear to excitedly announce that it's time to start going on the potty. Kid sits on the potty but doesn't go. Later, kid has an accident while wearing big kid underwear. A little later, kid recognizes the need to go potty and successfully goes on the potty. Everyone is happy. One of the books was even about a girl who shared her name with our daughter. Perfect, right?

This is pretty much how potty training is supposed to go, isn't it? The problem is that toddlers/2-year-olds don't understand plot. To me as an adult, it was obvious that the climax of the story happened at the end, when the kid successfully learned to go on the potty. However, this was not obvious to my daughter. She was fascinated by the page with a puddle on the floor. She would get the book and ask to see that page. "Peepee on the floor?" This should have been a red flag to alert me that it was not wise to begin potty training in the near future. However, I thought she was ready for potty training and that if we followed the formula, things would progress according to plan.

Daniel Tiger's potty episode (Episode 111, or Season 2 Episode 1) - In case you're not familiar with Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood, it can be a great resource. The characters from the Land of Make Believe from Mr. Roger's Neighborhood have grown up, and their kids or relatives are in preschool in this animated show on PBS. Each episode has two short stories with a related theme and a short, catchy song that is used off and on throughout the episode to teach kids the day's lesson.

For the potty episode, the song is, "When you have to go potty, stop and go right away. Flush and wash, and be on your way." My daughter learned the song quickly and would sing it off and on. However, as young kids are prone to do, she used it against me. I had heard advice that once you put kids in big kid underwear, there's no turning back. If you put them back in diapers, it will confuse them. I'm sure this is helpful advice in some cases, but here's where it led for us: She was having frequent accidents throughout the day and going on the potty with less success than before we started official potty training. I still put her in underwear for her nap and bedtime, so I was afraid not to let her get up to go potty when she said she needed to. (Washing sheets, blankets, stuffed animals, etc. 2 or more times a day isn't much fun.) She "needed to go" (often unsuccessfully) about every 5 minutes. When I would try to tell her good night, she started protesting by singing, "When you have to go potty, stop and go right away...". Just beware that anything you use can and will be used against you.

Tip #2: Beware of a fast-paced approach and excessive sugar and treats

So... we tried this whole "potty training in a day" technique that some people just love. (This may work great for you. I'm not saying you can't try it.) Basically, you feed your kid lots of sugary drinks so they have to go potty a lot, and you give them lots of fun snacks/sugary treats every time they go successfully or every time you check and their underwear is dry. You also potty train a doll first, and they get to eat treats for the doll, too. The idea is great. You demonstrate with the doll and even have the kid teach the doll so they understand what needs to happen before they actually do it. (There are actually a couple of different books that outline this procedure: Toilet Training in Less than a Day is an older book that is geared toward younger kids (even younger than age 2), and Potty Train Your Child in Just One Day is more geared toward older kids (around age 3). There are other, similar books as well, and some people prefer a 2- to 3-day technique, which is really what often ends up happening anyway.)

Problem #1: She already knew how to go on the potty. Our daughter had expressed interest in the potty around 18 months or a little older, and we let her try to go sometimes, which had turned into an attempt before naptime and bedtime every day. She often went on the potty successfully during these times and understood the concept, though she couldn't tell us when she needed to go. This made the whole "potty training a doll" concept a little pointless and probably confusing--except that it demonstrated how the reward system would work and the concept of wet versus dry underwear.

Problem #2: There was way too much sugar involved they way we did it. Our daughter wasn't used to having much sugar, and she was way too hyper/out of control to sleep at naptime or stay in bed that night. (I'm sure the excitement of the day had some effect, too.) When we decided we were through with frequent sugary treats, we told her that instead, when she filled up all the stickers on her chart, she could have a cupcake. (That was the one thing we knew would motivate her, and we had some on hand.) She was extremely excited about this, and, despite not having napped that day, was still up at 11p.m. sitting on the potty. She was exhausted and crying, saying "It's so hard..." I then told her the stickers were tired and needed to go to bed, and she wasn't going to get any more stickers that night whether or not she went on the potty.

After a couple of days of late-night battles, where I wanted to encourage potty training (and not having accidents in bed) while also encouraging sleep, I vowed that in the future she would wear diapers (or Pull-Ups) for naps and bedtime until she had mastered the potty-training thing and was staying dry at night.

Problem #3: I was about 7 months pregnant at the time. You're not supposed to potty train shortly before or after having a new baby because it's too much change and stress for the older child. This was the first point in my pregnancy that I felt well enough to tackle something like this, but I felt like the time was short before we entered the "pre-baby" window. Also, did I mention we were planning to travel the next weekend? Talk about stress and deadlines! Travel and deadlines are also not recommended when potty training, but it was the only time that seemed to work for us. However, the energetic, all-or-nothing potty training approach was pretty exhausting. Did I mention I was 7 months pregnant?

Speaking of travel, since for some reason I thought it was important to do a "no turning back" approach to potty training and keep my kid in underwear all the time, it was very hard to leave the house. She was having accidents more than going on the potty (even by day 3; in fact, maybe moreso by day 3). I was spending half my day doing laundry: washing my clothes, her clothes, dirty underwear, bedding, towels that I had used to clean up various parts of the house (thank goodness for tile floors! ...but I had to try to keep her off the furniture, which was harder to clean), etc. I wasn't ready to add the carseat to the list of things I had to dismantle and clean every day, not to mention the risk of getting carpets wet at other people's houses.

Part of the problem was that I had read that you should put your kid in "big kid" underwear, not training pants. I now think that this actually meant don't put them in Pull-Ups/disposable training pants (though I used those when leaving the house for a couple of weeks with our later potty training attempt). I fully recommend putting your kid in cloth training pants, the underwear that is thicker and absorbs a little more, so there's not so much mess to clean up every time. Also, maybe my daughter would have found it a little less fascinating to be wet with a small leak than to make a big puddle on the floor. (You may not find these with your kid's favorite character on them, though. Feel free to try regular underwear with your kid if you want. It might work better for you.)

Tip #3: Think carefully about how to handle accidents, and adapt to your situation.

Now, I knew that you're supposed to be positive and encouraging during potty training. Punishing can backfire, and kids (generally) don't have accidents on purpose, so it's not something they should get in trouble for. However, I had read that you're supposed to tell them accidents are okay and not a big deal. (Remember what I said about reading too much?) Well, I'm pretty sure my daughter thought that accidents were always part of the process (that's what the kids did in the potty training book, right?), and I needed to make it a little more clear that, while they may happen on occasion, that's not what we're going for. Did I mention that by the third day she was having more accidents than successes and was going on the potty less frequently than before we started potty training??

I was working part-time, and and I had an (unrelated) meeting with my supervisor on day 3 of potty training. She asked how things were going, and I burst into tears. Seriously. (Remember the 7-months-pregnant note above?) Anyway, that's when I decided that, despite what people said about not going back to diapers, it was time to call it quits and reclaim some of our sanity while we still had any. Best decision I could have made.

Fast forward 7 months: During diaper changes, I would often remind her that when she's a big girl and goes on the potty all the time, she won't have to lie still for diaper changes, and also that I wouldn't have to wipe her so much (which she didn't like). One day, shortly before she turned 3, she disappeared for a few minutes. When she came back, she told me that she had gone number 2 on the potty. She never went number 2 in her diaper again. Not long after that, I started putting her in big girl underwear (this time we used the ones with some padding, the cloth training pants) on mornings when we were going to be home and reminding her that she needed to go in the potty when it was time to go. Before long, she was doing that on her own and rarely having accidents. Now she's in underwear all the time (except naps and bedtime, but I think she's almost ready for that--though we'll probably keep the potty by her bed so she can use it on her own and not use it as an excuse to call for us).

Did I mention I'm SO glad we gave up on our earlier attempt and waited till she was a little older? Even if kids seem to fit some of the characteristics of readiness for potty training, the timing may not be right. I feel like we could have gone through many stressful months of attempted potty training while adjusting to life with a newborn if I'd followed the advice to "not go back to diapers" after potty training. However, I'm SO thankful that we called it quits and waited till she was mentally or developmentally ready to do it on her own. It saved us all a lot of sanity. (I was careful not to make her feel like a failure, telling her that Daddy and I had talked, and we thought it would be better to wait and try potty training again when she's a little older since she was still having a lot of accidents. I told her she had worked really hard, but we're going to take a break for a while and try again in a few months.)

From what I've heard, a lot of kids have a window of readiness around or shortly before age 3 as they become more socially aware. However, the exact age may vary some from kid to kid. From what I've read or heard, I suspect there's also another window earlier. We seemed to have missed that window, and there were way too many developmental and power struggle factors coming into play when we tried it around 27 months. (This time may work for some, though.) I wonder if the earlier window worked better when more kids were wearing cloth diapers (the kind with safety pins), where they were more aware of their own discomfort after going in their diaper.

Other options: Some moms try putting their kid in underwear one day a month until they seem to "get it". Others do an hour a day to help them get used to it and see when they start getting it. Either of these techniques helps you discover when the child is developmentally ready without having to do so much guess work (and without a ton of sugar--and pressure). Of course, if your child is in childcare, their teacher will probably encourage them to try going on the potty each day once they reach a certain age, and they will see other kids in their class going. The desire to be like peers can play a positive role (especially as they approach age 3).

Moms in some cultures potty train their kids even earlier, either by paying close attention to their baby's signs or by teaching the baby to go number one when they hear a certain sound while being held over a potty. For more thoughts on those techniques, look into infant potty training--but be warned that it may involve a lot of diaper-free time.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck! ...and remember that you're not a failure if you decide the timing isn't right, and it's fine to wait and try again later! Do whatever is the least stressful and makes the most sense for your situation. As with any parenting issue, don't feel like you have to follow all the advice you get. :)

(Dear daughter, sorry if you're traumatized reading this post in the future. Maybe I'll delete it later. ...if you bribe me with a cupcake.)