I'm a recovering perfectionist. I'm not saying being a perfectionist is always bad. I think every personality trait has good and bad aspects, and the trick is to learn to apply our traits and gifts in the best ways and to reign in the areas where our traits bring negative consequences.
Anyway, speaking of reigning in, let's get back to the point: I like being able to plan and control things. I like feeling productive. While I enjoy some spontaneity, I also like when things go "my way". Don't we all?
Raising kids challenges this. When I spend most of my day at home with young kids, I somehow feel like I'm not being productive. Yes, I may have managed to feed our family and mostly put kids down for naps when they needed it and (I hope) kept the children from watching too much tv, but that tends not to feel like a productive day to me. Many days, I haven't done anything to contribute to society outside of our home. I haven't worked on the nagging to-do list in my head (or on pieces of paper that have been misplaced around the house). I didn't bring in any income. I didn't even finish folding that load of laundry I started on Tuesday.
You know what, though? Raising kids is a big job. Whether you work outside the home, home school your kids, raise 10 kids or raise 1, raising kids is a lot of work. I don't just mean that it's time consuming. It's an important job. We're raising the next generation of leaders. What could be a greater legacy to leave than that? There will be phases of life when you feel more "productive" in other areas, but right now is your best chance to invest in the lives of your kids and to establish relationships that will last a lifetime. These are very influential years, and you won't get them back. I want to learn to enjoy this phase of life, to value my kids as much as (or more than!) other pursuits and to treasure the opportunity to raise them and teach them what's important in life.
I recently read a handout I received from Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) about laughter. Think about how many situations with your kids could be handled with laughter rather than frustration. Kids do lots of silly things (and lots of potentially annoying things), but they're learning, exploring and experimenting. Unless they clearly disobeyed a rule you established, the things they try and the messes they make can be good entertainment instead of reasons for frustration. I find it helpful to try to keep a joyful attitude and look for the humor in situations instead of constantly getting frustrated.
I'll never forget when my son was 2 months old (actually, this was not very long ago), and his digestive system went through some kind of change. For a while, he had been, um, clearing out his intestines just about every time he had a feeding, but he hit some kind of digestive developmental milestone and stopped clearing his intestines. For 10 days! I knew there had to be a big one coming. I went about my days as if everything was normal, but I knew at any moment he could explode.
It was a Thursday morning, and I was in my ladies' Bible study at church. He was sitting in my lap after eating when it struck. It was loud. Everyone in the room could tell what he was up to. (Why do babies choose the quietest moments for loud bodily functions?) I tried to stifle my laughter. More came. Loudly. I smiled another embarrassed smile. "Uh... should we go to the nursery?" I asked. The other women assured me that baby noises were welcome in our group. More came. More. Finally I felt like he must surely be done. I excused myself, picked up the diaper bag, and headed for the changing table in the nursery. This is where I made my crucial mistake. I picked my son up by holding him with one arm under his bottom. If you've ever had a baby with a diaper containing about 5 times the recommended diaper allowance, perhaps you know what's coming.
With the pressure of my hand on his overfilled diaper, the contents began oozing out onto my arm. I walked faster. Okay. That's probably all that will come out during the 30 second walk to the changing table, right? Wrong. There was more. And more. I set him down on the changing table, but it kept coming. I don't know how I kept from getting it on my clothes, but it was certainly all over his clothes. And back. And leg. And my hand. And arm. I was cracking up laughing at this point, and I was SO thankful a friend from church was working in the nursery. I needed back-up! "I need wipes," I said. "Lots of wipes. And paper towels."
The clean-up process began. "Just keep the paper towels coming," I said.
Somehow we missed the last 15 minutes of Bible study, including the entire prayer time. I was still in there cleaning us up and changing his diaper and clothes when everyone else was heading home. However, it wasn't as bad as it could have been because I was mentally prepared for a disaster, and I couldn't stop laughing the whole time. Sometimes it's best to prepare yourself for the worst case scenario.
I hope to write another post later on about being productive and what that can look like with little ones at home. I hope to write many posts about practical things I've learned along the way that have helped me navigate the baby and toddler years (and beyond). For now, though, I'll say that I'm working on parenting with joy. I want to remember what it was like to be a kid and how wonderful it is to have parents that encourage and shape our enthusiasm, rather than stifling it. I want to enjoy life with my kids, not make life miserable for them because I want to follow all my own pursuits.
That reminds me: Another article I read recently was about the effects our stress as parents has on our kids. When parents are stressed, kids are stressed. Stress in kids' lives leads to all kinds of negative consequences. So, when you're living in stress, it might be a good time to stop and reevaluate. What could you change to make your life more manageable? How can you change your perspective so that you're enjoying your time with your kids instead of feeling hindered by it?
To clarify, I'm not saying you should never try to be productive or do things by yourself. I'm saying there should be balance. Kids can learn to play on their own, but they also need lots of time to play with you and learn from you. They need your love and attention, not just your discipline. (I hope to share more thoughts on discipline later...)
In case you want some more good perspective on life with little ones, here are a couple of books I'm reading and finding helpful: Loving the Little Years: Motherhood in the Trenches by Rachel Jankovic and Treasuring Christ When Your Hands Are Full: Gospel Meditations for Busy Moms by Gloria Furman. Mostly, I find it helpful to remember that my job right now is to mold and shape these little people into all that God has created them to be, step by step, day by day, helping them to explore, learn, love, and find their full potential.
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