The first 2 months: General thoughts

I'd like to write down a few thoughts on the first few months with a baby before I forget the details (which is already happening). I had a huge learning curve with my first, so I want to write down some of the things I learned that helped with my second. I'll be breaking this up into a few separate posts, though.

Here's your baby!
Congratulations! You survived the challenges of pregnancy and childbirth, and now you have a new baby in your arms! Now, it's finally time to get some rest, right? I wish! Welcome to baby boot camp, or what I like to call hazing for the new parents!

Well, okay, at first, your baby may sleep a lot, and I tried to sleep whenever I could at this point (which can be challenging if you're in the hospital). Obviously, even when you're home, you should try to sleep whenever you get a chance. (This is, of course, easier if you only have one child or if you have family around helping you out, but my husband and I found ways to help each other get a little extra sleep even with our second. What worked for us was for him to sometimes take a nap in the late evening while I watched the kids (i.e., baby who is screaming instead of sleeping), and I would go back to bed for a bit after feeding our baby in the morning, while he got breakfast for himself and our 2-year-old.)

I really hope you have some people bringing you meals early on or that you've made a bunch of freezer meals in advance. (No? Maybe I should write a post about things to do before the baby comes! They're a lifesaver. ...though if you're like me and feel exhausted and sick for most of your pregnancy (and/or you make a long-distance move), it can be hard to make that happen! Maybe we can talk more about food prep later, too? I ended up eating more fast food than usual when my first was a baby! Obviously, healthy food is the best for optimal mommy and baby health, but you do what you have to at this stage...)

If you're like me and you often don't have much success with napping during the day, you might find it helpful to do whatever will give you energy while your baby's sleeping. This might mean a few minutes outside in the sun (which you can also do with baby awake), reading a book (sometimes listening to an audiobook would help me fall asleep for a nap), or possibly even washing some dishes. (Hey--some people are weird like that. Seriously, though, sometimes it gives me energy to know I've been productive and I can rest later with one less thing to worry about.) When my baby fell asleep for a nap, if I managed to drag myself off the couch, I would ask myself, "What will I most regret not doing if my baby wakes up in the next few minutes?" (Usually, this was something like "go to the bathroom" or "refill my cup of water." I would work down my mental priority list from there. It's completely okay if "rest" is at the top of your list.)

Will I always feel exhausted?
Sorry. You probably will for a while, though some weeks will be better than other weeks. I find after about 6 weeks things start getting gradually easier and more fun. (Dates like this may need to be adjusted for your baby's due date if your baby is premature.) It will get better soon! The fog will lift! You will be a normal human being again.

Rough spots
Your baby may have a growth spurt sometime around 3 weeks where he or she is fussier and needs to eat more often.

Also, between 5 and 6 weeks can be a really rough period. (Again, adjust these dates based on your baby's due date if your little one was premature.) This tends to be the "peak of fussiness," as many call it. There are various opinions as to why that is (Dr. Weissbluth of Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child thinks that it's because your child's sleep and wake cycles aren't aligned yet), but the good news is that your baby is likely to start getting less fussy soon.

My second actually starting having screaming/crying periods the first week or two, even though bad fussy periods aren't "supposed to" start until about 2 weeks (and last until at least 6 weeks). I was afraid we were really in for it--until I decided that maybe his screaming was due to gas pain (though plenty of books will tell you your baby's fussiness is not related to digestion), and I started really working on his latch while nursing so he wasn't swallowing so much air. (I also started giving him simethicone gas drops with feedings and spending more time (and varying positions) trying to get him to burp.) Fortunately, his nightly screaming period improved well before the 6-week "peak of fussiness"!

Babies also tend to have a growth spurt around this time (5-6 weeks) AND one of the "Wonder Weeks" or developmental leaps happens around now. (More about Wonder Weeks in a separate post.) A triple blow! No wonder this is a rough spot!

I feel like 6 weeks was an important milestone for me with my babies. Things can be challenging in the beginning, especially if it's your first--or if your baby screams ALL the time, like my first. However, after about 6 weeks of age, babies tend to start smiling more and making happy "cooing" sounds. I LOVE that! There's nothing like having a little one whom you've exhausted yourself for for several weeks finally start acting like they like you a little bit--and like maybe they can enjoy life. Seriously, though, I do hope you get quiet moments where you can enjoy your little one even before this point. I'm just saying, from this point on, things start to get a lot more fun. They gradually become less fussy, more fun to be around, and (generally) easier to take care of.

Decoding Baby Cries
Some people say you can't really distinguish baby cries until they're older. However, Priscilla Dunstan of Australia, who has an amazing ear for music, claims to have decoded the fussy sounds that newborns make just before they start all-out crying. I think there's actually something to what she says! Look for the video of her Oprah appearance online or check out her videos, available for purchase at dunstanbaby.com. I would note, though, that I have noticed my babies sometimes make the hungry sound when they're tired. Sometimes they just want something to suck on so they can relax and fall asleep! Probably the most helpful sound to decode is the "eh" sound for needing to burp. It's important to get those burps out before you finish nursing them! Otherwise, you end up with spit up or lower gas pain. (By "you," I mean your baby. I hope. ...though I can't actually guarantee the spit up's final destination.)

Soothing the Crying
Did you know babies cry less later in the day if they're held more earlier in the day? I'm not saying you need to hold your baby constantly. Everybody needs to lie down for a nap sometimes, but there are many benefits to cuddling with your baby during the day and holding them close to your chest. You can even wear them in a carrier that holds them close to your chest. (Just make sure they're in a safe position and not in a C-curve and that they have plenty of room to breathe. Read any instructions that come with the carrier you have!)

Also, if you respond to your baby's cries right away (within the first few minutes), they cry less when they're older. However, keep in mind that "responding to their cries" doesn't mean that you need to nurse them constantly. I think the main idea here is to feed them when they're hungry, help them sleep (there are different ways to do this) when they're tired, and change them if they need to be changed. More on feeding and napping to come in a future post... Babies often have fussy periods when all their needs are taken care of, too. It's up to you how you handle these times, and it could depend on your particular situation.

For general soothing of fussiness (or screaming, depending on your baby), you might check out the book or video The Happiest Baby on the Block by Dr. Harvey Karp, or just read online about the 5 S's: swaddle, side/stomach (not recommended for safe sleeping, but holding them on their tummies or sides can help), shushing (loudly across their ear--not blowing directly into the eardrum; or some white noise machines can help), swing, sucking (nursing or pacifier). Note that pacifier use is not recommended in early weeks for breastfeeding moms because it may interfere with proper breastfeeding (but this is debated, and plenty of moms use one anyway).

Personally, I find that my babies need to eat a little more often in the evening in those early weeks. I also find it helpful sometimes to hold my babies upright on my shoulder and pat them while shushing in their ear to calm them--or swinging/swaying back and forth with them. Faster swinging/swaying tends to help calm a fussy baby, while slower movements are more conducive to sleep. My babies also LOVED going outside. I don't remember the details with my first, but my second would stop crying almost immediately when we stepped outside holding him. My husband would often take him on a walk outside as soon as he got home from work. Even if it's cold out, babies can still be outside for a few minutes if they're bundled up. I believe spending time outdoors has many health benefits for everyone!

Keep in mind, too, if your baby is acting more upset than usual, something could be wrong. Gas drops (simethicone) can be used with feedings to help reduce gas, and gripe water can be used to help soothe tummy troubles. Some people use probiotics to help with digestion. Just make sure it's a kind that's safe for babies. (Please run any medicines by your doctor to make sure they're okay in your situation.) Also, doctors can prescribe medicines for acid reflux or GERD. One other random thing to keep an eye out for if your child is unusually upset is to make sure your baby doesn't have a hair wrapped around a finger or toe, cutting off circulation (tourniquet syndrome). This is rare but serious, and apparently the hairs can be hard to spot.

I hope to write a couple more posts soon about the first two months, but this one is long enough for now. Just know that everything will be getting easier in a couple of months! Press on! ...and sleep when you can.

Note that I am NOT a medical professional. I'm just sharing thoughts based on my experiences and on what I've read. Please trust your gut and talk to your pediatrician if you have any medical concerns about your baby.

Intro. to Parenting: Advice

Congrats! You're a new parent! Pull up a chair, and let's talk.

You probably have no idea what you've gotten yourself into. That's okay. Welcome to the club. (If you do, in fact, feel well prepared, I'd love to have your thoughts and insights in the comments on my blog posts! In fact, I'd love for anyone to comment. You just need a Gmail or Google login. Do please try to say things nicely, though... :) )

My guess is you have lots of people trying to offer you parenting advice. If not, don't worry. It will come soon (like when you're standing in the check-out line at a grocery store with a screaming baby. Or two-year-old. Or teenager.).

Remember that most people mean well, even if they don't come across that way at all. They tell you how to do things because they want to help. They may think you're doing things wrong and don't know any better, or they may just want to share a piece of advice that was life-changing for them so that it can benefit someone else. They forget that they don't know all the background for what's going on, and that what they say may be completely irrelevant to the situation. ...or it doesn't occur to them that perhaps they raised their children completely differently than the way you want to raise your children.

So... Let's agree on a couple of things, okay? First, please forgive me if I ever give you advice that's not helpful. I may just be in brainstorming/problem-solving mode, really wanting to find a solution that can help in a given scenario, even if I don't know all the details.

Second, let's try not to judge other parents. Remember that the things they do in public or even when they have company over may be drastically different from the things they normally do at home. (I'm not saying you should suddenly stop disciplining your kids or following through with what you say when you're away from home. I'm just saying you may let your kids eat things or do things that wouldn't be part of a normal day at home--especially if they've missed a nap or two in this scenario.) It's also good to remember that questions can sometimes come across as accusations even when they're genuinely intended as questions.

In fact, with that question versus accusation thing, it's good to remember that when you're on the receiving end, too! I remember when we were preparing for an overseas move, and we were busy and stressed for weeks (months?) trying to get ready. We had a mound of paperwork to work through and various important documents to obtain. We traveled for training, and we had people and churches to meet with and to communicate with. We needed to sort through every possession we had ever owned to decide what to do with it when we left the country.

The logistics were endless, and trying to plan a move to a continent we had never even visited before was no easy task. We were also both working a couple of part-time jobs to make up for some gaps in income. I was quite stressed and overwhelmed with all that needed to be done.

Someone asked why my husband wasn't working in his previous position, and I explained that we were busy preparing to go overseas. "What kinds of things are you doing? What's keeping you so busy?" the person asked. I can see now, looking back, that he was probably genuinely curious. (I wish I'd had my to-do list with me at that moment!) However, at the time, the question made me feel stressed and defensive. I didn't even know where to start to answer that question.

Because we serve with an organization where our funding comes from individuals and churches who give, I feel responsible to everyone for how we use our time and resources. When someone questioned me, I felt like we were being accused of not doing enough, not working hard enough. I felt stressed by a simple question because of the stress and pressure I was under at the time.

The moral of the story is: remember that sometimes people ask questions simply because they genuinely want to know. Also remember, especially when you're talking to someone who is stressed and sleep-deprived (e.g. a new mom), that asking them a question out of curiosity about why they're doing something the way they are might easily get translated into, "Why on earth would you do things that way? What's wrong with you?" in the listener's head. Let's all try to show a little grace to one another and try to remember that people generally mean well, even if they don't know how to express it.

In case you've forgotten what we were talking about, the subject was (primarily unsolicited) parenting advice, and I was planning to share a third point. (Forgot the first two already? The summary is: try not to judge me, and sorry if I ever sound like I'm judging you. I really want to help.)

Third point: Listen. Seriously. Feel free to completely disregard any and all advice people give you, but at least listen to it. It may come in handy later. This brings me to the main piece of advice I have for this post (take it or leave it).

Here's some unsolicited advice from me: Be willing to change your parenting strategies. This was perhaps some of the best advice we received as new parents. You will try lots of things. You will make lots of mistakes. (This is very frustrating for a perfectionist, but sometimes you don't know whether something will work until you try it for a while. You can't actually predict the future to know how well something will work without trying it.)

Even if you find the perfect solution for a problem or the perfect way to handle a situation, your child will continue to grow and change, and you may need a different approach a few months later (or a couple of weeks later if we're talking about babies!). I'm fact, sometimes in the middle of disciplining your child, you will realize that your approach is backfiring, and you may need to change your strategy on the spot!

I hope to share some resources that you may find helpful soon, but this post is long enough as it is. (Half of it is actually about moving overseas rather than parenting, so if you've ever contemplated an overseas move, I'd be happy to sit down and chat about that, too. However, I'm a bit fuzzy on the details. We've made another international move and had two kids since then. This does not leave one's brain in a very good state for remembering details. Beware: baby brain is coming to you, too.)

Finding Joy in Parenting

I'm a recovering perfectionist. I'm not saying being a perfectionist is always bad. I think every personality trait has good and bad aspects, and the trick is to learn to apply our traits and gifts in the best ways and to reign in the areas where our traits bring negative consequences.

Anyway, speaking of reigning in, let's get back to the point: I like being able to plan and control things. I like feeling productive. While I enjoy some spontaneity, I also like when things go "my way". Don't we all?

Raising kids challenges this. When I spend most of my day at home with young kids, I somehow feel like I'm not being productive. Yes, I may have managed to feed our family and mostly put kids down for naps when they needed it and (I hope) kept the children from watching too much tv, but that tends not to feel like a productive day to me. Many days, I haven't done anything to contribute to society outside of our home. I haven't worked on the nagging to-do list in my head (or on pieces of paper that have been misplaced around the house). I didn't bring in any income. I didn't even finish folding that load of laundry I started on Tuesday.

You know what, though? Raising kids is a big job. Whether you work outside the home, home school your kids, raise 10 kids or raise 1, raising kids is a lot of work. I don't just mean that it's time consuming. It's an important job. We're raising the next generation of leaders. What could be a greater legacy to leave than that? There will be phases of life when you feel more "productive" in other areas, but right now is your best chance to invest in the lives of your kids and to establish relationships that will last a lifetime. These are very influential years, and you won't get them back. I want to learn to enjoy this phase of life, to value my kids as much as (or more than!) other pursuits and to treasure the opportunity to raise them and teach them what's important in life.

I recently read a handout I received from Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) about laughter. Think about how many situations with your kids could be handled with laughter rather than frustration. Kids do lots of silly things (and lots of potentially annoying things), but they're learning, exploring and experimenting. Unless they clearly disobeyed a rule you established, the things they try and the messes they make can be good entertainment instead of reasons for frustration. I find it helpful to try to keep a joyful attitude and look for the humor in situations instead of constantly getting frustrated.

I'll never forget when my son was 2 months old (actually, this was not very long ago), and his digestive system went through some kind of change. For a while, he had been, um, clearing out his intestines just about every time he had a feeding, but he hit some kind of digestive developmental milestone and stopped clearing his intestines. For 10 days! I knew there had to be a big one coming. I went about my days as if everything was normal, but I knew at any moment he could explode.

It was a Thursday morning, and I was in my ladies' Bible study at church. He was sitting in my lap after eating when it struck. It was loud. Everyone in the room could tell what he was up to. (Why do babies choose the quietest moments for loud bodily functions?) I tried to stifle my laughter. More came. Loudly. I smiled another embarrassed smile. "Uh... should we go to the nursery?" I asked. The other women assured me that baby noises were welcome in our group. More came. More. Finally I felt like he must surely be done. I excused myself, picked up the diaper bag, and headed for the changing table in the nursery. This is where I made my crucial mistake. I picked my son up by holding him with one arm under his bottom. If you've ever had a baby with a diaper containing about 5 times the recommended diaper allowance, perhaps you know what's coming.

With the pressure of my hand on his overfilled diaper, the contents began oozing out onto my arm. I walked faster. Okay. That's probably all that will come out during the 30 second walk to the changing table, right? Wrong. There was more. And more. I set him down on the changing table, but it kept coming. I don't know how I kept from getting it on my clothes, but it was certainly all over his clothes. And back. And leg. And my hand. And arm. I was cracking up laughing at this point, and I was SO thankful a friend from church was working in the nursery. I needed back-up! "I need wipes," I said. "Lots of wipes. And paper towels."

The clean-up process began. "Just keep the paper towels coming," I said.

Somehow we missed the last 15 minutes of Bible study, including the entire prayer time. I was still in there cleaning us up and changing his diaper and clothes when everyone else was heading home. However, it wasn't as bad as it could have been because I was mentally prepared for a disaster, and I couldn't stop laughing the whole time. Sometimes it's best to prepare yourself for the worst case scenario.

I hope to write another post later on about being productive and what that can look like with little ones at home. I hope to write many posts about practical things I've learned along the way that have helped me navigate the baby and toddler years (and beyond). For now, though, I'll say that I'm working on parenting with joy. I want to remember what it was like to be a kid and how wonderful it is to have parents that encourage and shape our enthusiasm, rather than stifling it. I want to enjoy life with my kids, not make life miserable for them because I want to follow all my own pursuits.

That reminds me: Another article I read recently was about the effects our stress as parents has on our kids. When parents are stressed, kids are stressed. Stress in kids' lives leads to all kinds of negative consequences. So, when you're living in stress, it might be a good time to stop and reevaluate. What could you change to make your life more manageable? How can you change your perspective so that you're enjoying your time with your kids instead of feeling hindered by it?

To clarify, I'm not saying you should never try to be productive or do things by yourself. I'm saying there should be balance. Kids can learn to play on their own, but they also need lots of time to play with you and learn from you. They need your love and attention, not just your discipline. (I hope to share more thoughts on discipline later...)

In case you want some more good perspective on life with little ones, here are a couple of books I'm reading and finding helpful: Loving the Little Years: Motherhood in the Trenches by Rachel Jankovic and Treasuring Christ When Your Hands Are Full: Gospel Meditations for Busy Moms by Gloria Furman. Mostly, I find it helpful to remember that my job right now is to mold and shape these little people into all that God has created them to be, step by step, day by day, helping them to explore, learn, love, and find their full potential.