Intro. to Parenting: Advice

Congrats! You're a new parent! Pull up a chair, and let's talk.

You probably have no idea what you've gotten yourself into. That's okay. Welcome to the club. (If you do, in fact, feel well prepared, I'd love to have your thoughts and insights in the comments on my blog posts! In fact, I'd love for anyone to comment. You just need a Gmail or Google login. Do please try to say things nicely, though... :) )

My guess is you have lots of people trying to offer you parenting advice. If not, don't worry. It will come soon (like when you're standing in the check-out line at a grocery store with a screaming baby. Or two-year-old. Or teenager.).

Remember that most people mean well, even if they don't come across that way at all. They tell you how to do things because they want to help. They may think you're doing things wrong and don't know any better, or they may just want to share a piece of advice that was life-changing for them so that it can benefit someone else. They forget that they don't know all the background for what's going on, and that what they say may be completely irrelevant to the situation. ...or it doesn't occur to them that perhaps they raised their children completely differently than the way you want to raise your children.

So... Let's agree on a couple of things, okay? First, please forgive me if I ever give you advice that's not helpful. I may just be in brainstorming/problem-solving mode, really wanting to find a solution that can help in a given scenario, even if I don't know all the details.

Second, let's try not to judge other parents. Remember that the things they do in public or even when they have company over may be drastically different from the things they normally do at home. (I'm not saying you should suddenly stop disciplining your kids or following through with what you say when you're away from home. I'm just saying you may let your kids eat things or do things that wouldn't be part of a normal day at home--especially if they've missed a nap or two in this scenario.) It's also good to remember that questions can sometimes come across as accusations even when they're genuinely intended as questions.

In fact, with that question versus accusation thing, it's good to remember that when you're on the receiving end, too! I remember when we were preparing for an overseas move, and we were busy and stressed for weeks (months?) trying to get ready. We had a mound of paperwork to work through and various important documents to obtain. We traveled for training, and we had people and churches to meet with and to communicate with. We needed to sort through every possession we had ever owned to decide what to do with it when we left the country.

The logistics were endless, and trying to plan a move to a continent we had never even visited before was no easy task. We were also both working a couple of part-time jobs to make up for some gaps in income. I was quite stressed and overwhelmed with all that needed to be done.

Someone asked why my husband wasn't working in his previous position, and I explained that we were busy preparing to go overseas. "What kinds of things are you doing? What's keeping you so busy?" the person asked. I can see now, looking back, that he was probably genuinely curious. (I wish I'd had my to-do list with me at that moment!) However, at the time, the question made me feel stressed and defensive. I didn't even know where to start to answer that question.

Because we serve with an organization where our funding comes from individuals and churches who give, I feel responsible to everyone for how we use our time and resources. When someone questioned me, I felt like we were being accused of not doing enough, not working hard enough. I felt stressed by a simple question because of the stress and pressure I was under at the time.

The moral of the story is: remember that sometimes people ask questions simply because they genuinely want to know. Also remember, especially when you're talking to someone who is stressed and sleep-deprived (e.g. a new mom), that asking them a question out of curiosity about why they're doing something the way they are might easily get translated into, "Why on earth would you do things that way? What's wrong with you?" in the listener's head. Let's all try to show a little grace to one another and try to remember that people generally mean well, even if they don't know how to express it.

In case you've forgotten what we were talking about, the subject was (primarily unsolicited) parenting advice, and I was planning to share a third point. (Forgot the first two already? The summary is: try not to judge me, and sorry if I ever sound like I'm judging you. I really want to help.)

Third point: Listen. Seriously. Feel free to completely disregard any and all advice people give you, but at least listen to it. It may come in handy later. This brings me to the main piece of advice I have for this post (take it or leave it).

Here's some unsolicited advice from me: Be willing to change your parenting strategies. This was perhaps some of the best advice we received as new parents. You will try lots of things. You will make lots of mistakes. (This is very frustrating for a perfectionist, but sometimes you don't know whether something will work until you try it for a while. You can't actually predict the future to know how well something will work without trying it.)

Even if you find the perfect solution for a problem or the perfect way to handle a situation, your child will continue to grow and change, and you may need a different approach a few months later (or a couple of weeks later if we're talking about babies!). I'm fact, sometimes in the middle of disciplining your child, you will realize that your approach is backfiring, and you may need to change your strategy on the spot!

I hope to share some resources that you may find helpful soon, but this post is long enough as it is. (Half of it is actually about moving overseas rather than parenting, so if you've ever contemplated an overseas move, I'd be happy to sit down and chat about that, too. However, I'm a bit fuzzy on the details. We've made another international move and had two kids since then. This does not leave one's brain in a very good state for remembering details. Beware: baby brain is coming to you, too.)

Finding Joy in Parenting

I'm a recovering perfectionist. I'm not saying being a perfectionist is always bad. I think every personality trait has good and bad aspects, and the trick is to learn to apply our traits and gifts in the best ways and to reign in the areas where our traits bring negative consequences.

Anyway, speaking of reigning in, let's get back to the point: I like being able to plan and control things. I like feeling productive. While I enjoy some spontaneity, I also like when things go "my way". Don't we all?

Raising kids challenges this. When I spend most of my day at home with young kids, I somehow feel like I'm not being productive. Yes, I may have managed to feed our family and mostly put kids down for naps when they needed it and (I hope) kept the children from watching too much tv, but that tends not to feel like a productive day to me. Many days, I haven't done anything to contribute to society outside of our home. I haven't worked on the nagging to-do list in my head (or on pieces of paper that have been misplaced around the house). I didn't bring in any income. I didn't even finish folding that load of laundry I started on Tuesday.

You know what, though? Raising kids is a big job. Whether you work outside the home, home school your kids, raise 10 kids or raise 1, raising kids is a lot of work. I don't just mean that it's time consuming. It's an important job. We're raising the next generation of leaders. What could be a greater legacy to leave than that? There will be phases of life when you feel more "productive" in other areas, but right now is your best chance to invest in the lives of your kids and to establish relationships that will last a lifetime. These are very influential years, and you won't get them back. I want to learn to enjoy this phase of life, to value my kids as much as (or more than!) other pursuits and to treasure the opportunity to raise them and teach them what's important in life.

I recently read a handout I received from Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) about laughter. Think about how many situations with your kids could be handled with laughter rather than frustration. Kids do lots of silly things (and lots of potentially annoying things), but they're learning, exploring and experimenting. Unless they clearly disobeyed a rule you established, the things they try and the messes they make can be good entertainment instead of reasons for frustration. I find it helpful to try to keep a joyful attitude and look for the humor in situations instead of constantly getting frustrated.

I'll never forget when my son was 2 months old (actually, this was not very long ago), and his digestive system went through some kind of change. For a while, he had been, um, clearing out his intestines just about every time he had a feeding, but he hit some kind of digestive developmental milestone and stopped clearing his intestines. For 10 days! I knew there had to be a big one coming. I went about my days as if everything was normal, but I knew at any moment he could explode.

It was a Thursday morning, and I was in my ladies' Bible study at church. He was sitting in my lap after eating when it struck. It was loud. Everyone in the room could tell what he was up to. (Why do babies choose the quietest moments for loud bodily functions?) I tried to stifle my laughter. More came. Loudly. I smiled another embarrassed smile. "Uh... should we go to the nursery?" I asked. The other women assured me that baby noises were welcome in our group. More came. More. Finally I felt like he must surely be done. I excused myself, picked up the diaper bag, and headed for the changing table in the nursery. This is where I made my crucial mistake. I picked my son up by holding him with one arm under his bottom. If you've ever had a baby with a diaper containing about 5 times the recommended diaper allowance, perhaps you know what's coming.

With the pressure of my hand on his overfilled diaper, the contents began oozing out onto my arm. I walked faster. Okay. That's probably all that will come out during the 30 second walk to the changing table, right? Wrong. There was more. And more. I set him down on the changing table, but it kept coming. I don't know how I kept from getting it on my clothes, but it was certainly all over his clothes. And back. And leg. And my hand. And arm. I was cracking up laughing at this point, and I was SO thankful a friend from church was working in the nursery. I needed back-up! "I need wipes," I said. "Lots of wipes. And paper towels."

The clean-up process began. "Just keep the paper towels coming," I said.

Somehow we missed the last 15 minutes of Bible study, including the entire prayer time. I was still in there cleaning us up and changing his diaper and clothes when everyone else was heading home. However, it wasn't as bad as it could have been because I was mentally prepared for a disaster, and I couldn't stop laughing the whole time. Sometimes it's best to prepare yourself for the worst case scenario.

I hope to write another post later on about being productive and what that can look like with little ones at home. I hope to write many posts about practical things I've learned along the way that have helped me navigate the baby and toddler years (and beyond). For now, though, I'll say that I'm working on parenting with joy. I want to remember what it was like to be a kid and how wonderful it is to have parents that encourage and shape our enthusiasm, rather than stifling it. I want to enjoy life with my kids, not make life miserable for them because I want to follow all my own pursuits.

That reminds me: Another article I read recently was about the effects our stress as parents has on our kids. When parents are stressed, kids are stressed. Stress in kids' lives leads to all kinds of negative consequences. So, when you're living in stress, it might be a good time to stop and reevaluate. What could you change to make your life more manageable? How can you change your perspective so that you're enjoying your time with your kids instead of feeling hindered by it?

To clarify, I'm not saying you should never try to be productive or do things by yourself. I'm saying there should be balance. Kids can learn to play on their own, but they also need lots of time to play with you and learn from you. They need your love and attention, not just your discipline. (I hope to share more thoughts on discipline later...)

In case you want some more good perspective on life with little ones, here are a couple of books I'm reading and finding helpful: Loving the Little Years: Motherhood in the Trenches by Rachel Jankovic and Treasuring Christ When Your Hands Are Full: Gospel Meditations for Busy Moms by Gloria Furman. Mostly, I find it helpful to remember that my job right now is to mold and shape these little people into all that God has created them to be, step by step, day by day, helping them to explore, learn, love, and find their full potential.