Coronavirus: How do you love your neighbor when you're stuck at home?

There are so many thoughts I want to write from the past week. I want to write down what this experience was like so that I remember. Things changed more quickly than many of expected. However, it's hard to make time to sit down and write when we're all home all the time. (...and when I keep reading news updates instead of doing things I need to do.)

For now, I want to write something else that has been on my mind. This is going to be a challenging time for many people (both in the U.S. and abroad). Right now, it's hard to find many items at the store since people are trying to stock up all at once. Many people are not able to work right now because of closed businesses, lack of clients, or because of the need to care for kids at home. Others are way overworked right now, including people involved in grocery and food distribution, medical providers, etc. Some can't even leave the house to go to the grocery store because they're sick or because they're at a high risk of getting very sick.

How do we share the burden? How do we love one another well?

Here are some of my thoughts so far, but I'd love to hear yours as well.

If you're in a position where you're overworked right now, consider how you can decrease your stress levels and load and lighten someone else's financial burdens. Are there any tasks you can outsource to someone else right now who could use some extra income?

If you need work right now, consider looking for work in high demand areas. I think any service which offers delivery or pick-up of grocery or essential items is going to be in high demand for a while. If you don't have someone to watch your kids, could they ride with you in the car while you deliver groceries? (If any of you is sick, this is a bad idea. :\)

Are there any items that are hard to find in stores right now that you have extras of and could share with someone else? How do we go about creating a network of meeting each other's need and finding out what the needs are in our communities? Any ideas?

If you're home and healthy, could you watch someone else's kids in addition to your own for someone who needs to go to work? I know we want to minimize the number of people we're interacting with, but perhaps there are ways to help each other out while minimizing the impact. When you run to the store, can you pick up extra food for someone who is sick or high-risk? (I have relied heavily on Walmart grocery pick-up in the past, and I was planning to continue that, especially since we've had some kind of virus recently. However, they're booked solid, so I've had to go get groceries in person instead. I've already asked my husband to plan to take a little time off work this week so I can make a grocery run without the kids.)

How can we connect to older members of the community who may feel very isolated right now? Can kids who are stuck at home make cards for nursing home residents? (I'm not entirely sure of the implications of this, as far as bringing germs in. Perhaps mail is quarantined for a couple of days.) Can we provide computers or tablets for nursing homes so that residents can take turns having video chats with relatives and kids who are stuck at home? (I realize this would place an additional demand on nursing home workers, who are most likely already overworked, so this may not be doable, but I think it would be great.) Can we encourage nursing homes to open the windows and let some fresh air in, or is it possible for residents to get some outdoor time?

Can we reach out over the phone to pray for and encourage people who are very isolated right now?

Many of us will be saving money on gas right now, not driving to work or as many activities. We may also be saving money on activities or eating out. Can you support local restaurants by buying a gift card to use or give away later? Take-out is also still an option many places (though I know cooking at home is ideal to minimize spreading germs).

I love seeing schools and activities sharing information and videos online to help people stay connected and continue learning. What a great time to have internet! Do you know anyone who doesn't have internet access right now and/or who needs help paying the bills?

If you still have regular income, consider increasing your giving. Look for organizations who are still helping to meet immediate needs in your community and around the world. Food banks and blood banks are running low. Churches have had to close their doors, but they still need to pay their bills (and their staff). Does your church have ways to give online? Can you mail a check in?

Some missionaries (and others) are needing to return to the U.S. from overseas very last-minute and may need a place to stay for an initial 2-week quarantine, and perhaps beyond. Do you have an empty place available where they could stay?

Also, please remember that poorer areas of the world are likely to see a much greater impact from this virus. How can we pray for and support them?

What are YOUR needs? How can we network to help with whatever it is that you need right now? If you're running low on paper towels or Size 3 diapers or rice (and you live near me), let me know. I have some to spare! If you need toilet paper, I'll think and pray about that. That will require a greater act of faith right now, but I think I could spare a bit here and there. 😂😁

Lord, I pray for wisdom to know how to care for our own families, for our community, for the world, and for the most vulnerable around us. In Jesus' name, Amen.

"The second [greatest commandment] is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." Mark 12:31 (NIV)

Pregnancy with Hyperemesis Gravidarum - Part 1

Hello, world!

I have missed you. Let me tell you where I've been.

First, let me state that I really hope to get back to sharing helpful parenting tips (or at least personal insights), experiences and practical resources soon. However, I feel that I need to post a bit about why I disappeared for so long before I can attempt to pick up where I left off (to the extent that is still possible). My return has been further delayed by not knowing how to write this post—where to start—but I must begin somewhere.

Perhaps I should say that I've been learning to rest. Have you learned to do that yet? It is a very undervalued endeavor in our culture. It seems that I'm a pretty slow learner because I'm still working on it, despite a crash course a couple of years ago.

So... I started off well with this blog, posting about once a month, and then things went downhill. We were busy over the summer, going in and out of town with lots of travel, but then I planned to pick up again in the fall.

...and then came the positive pregnancy test. I knew immediately I needed to give up on all my plans for the fall. There were people I had wanted to have over (I love hospitality!), meals I wanted to make for people, play dates I wanted to plan, ministry-related tasks I wanted to catch up on, organizing I wanted to do in the house. I knew immediately I had to give it all up.

That may seem a bit drastic to you. Maybe you have easy pregnancies. (Maybe you wish you could get pregnant!) Unfortunately, my pregnancies have been anything but easy. This pregnancy I was a lot more open with my doctor and with my friends and community about my struggles during pregnancy. I knew with two little ones to care for this time, it was going to be a challenging several months. To be clear, I love my kids. I was excited to watch our new little one adapt to our family and grow and develop. ...but I knew that the next several months were going to be very hard, physically and emotionally.

I cried any time I told someone we were expecting. It was really embarrassing. I felt guilty crying when I knew women who would love to be pregnant. Our kids are wonderful people, but my pregnancies have been on the traumatic side, and with those memories and fears plus the current pregnancy hormones, I couldn't stop the tears from slipping out.

Ever heard of hyperemesis gravidarum? More people are familiar with the term now than ever before because of Princess Kate's rough pregnancies.

Here's an informative news article about her second pregnancy (though she has now had three pregnancies with HG—I guess we have something in common!):

http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/prince-william-wife-kate-expecting-child/story?id=25341486

Here's my experience.

This was my third pregnancy with hyperemesis gravidarum (also known as HG) but my first time to be diagnosed. You see, during most of my first pregnancy, we lived in Africa. I went to an OB in a neighboring country twice during the first six months of my pregnancy but otherwise went occasionally to a local missionary doctor in our town who had a very fuzzy ultrasound machine and would affirm that the baby had a good heartbeat and "looked tall" (she wasn't tall when she was born :) ).

I knew I was pregnant almost right away and confirmed it with a positive pregnancy test before I was even late for my cycle. We were excited and a little nervous to begin this new adventure in our lives. We had family coming to visit us soon, and we were planning to move back to the U.S. in about 5 months.

A little over 6 weeks into my pregnancy, I suddenly felt AWFUL. I put blankets on the floor and camped out just outside the door to the bathroom. My intestines were a mess, and I was also vomiting and couldn't keep anything down. My husband and my dad (who had arrived for a visit) had to step over me to get to the bathroom. After a couple of days, I managed to make it out of the house to get lab work done (a common occurrence for us, living in Africa).

I had giardia (giardiasis—intestinal parasite). No problem. I've done this before (though it wasn't THIS bad!). We drove over to the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist what medicine he'd recommend during pregnancy (because this is how you do things where we lived; I didn't even see a doctor that week). "Six weeks pregnant??" he said. "No, you shouldn't take any of these medicines."

So, there I was. Trusting my body to fight off giardia on its own while adapting to pregnancy hormones. I was sick a lot that pregnancy. Every couple of weeks or so, I spent 2-4 days vomiting nonstop. Then it would take me several days to rehydrate myself and get some nutrients in my system so I had the energy to get out of bed and be up and about again. Once I was feeling better, I felt like I should go back to work. (Everyone else I knew kept working full-time while pregnant, so shouldn't I?)

I would also start taking some Zofran that another expat had left over from another country from his wife's pregnancy. However, it was a pill you had to swallow, so I couldn't take it on the days I was already sick—so how could I tell if it was helping? After a few days, I would quit taking it again. (I had a limited supply after all and wanted to be careful about medicines in pregnancy.)

By the end of a full work week, I was exhausted, and within a couple of days, I would start vomiting again.

I read about HG a couple of times, but I didn't think the symptoms fit. I'd seen something about vomiting 5 or more times a day. I had days where I didn't vomit at all (I'm sure many other HG sufferers are jealous reading that!). However, there were also times when I vomited every 30 minutes to hour for three or four days straight. (Sometimes I could go 2 straight hours without throwing up! ...or even 3 or 4 if I was sleeping!) I weighed less than I had since I was 13 years old. ...but I was already at a low weight when I got pregnant, presumably because of parasites from living overseas, so I figured I hadn't lost enough weight during pregnancy to qualify as HG with whatever diagnostic criteria I was reading at the time. ...at least not on the good weeks. Certainly I lost several pounds each week I was sick, but the next week I was able to eat some food and drink liquids and start to regain the lost ground.

An occasional ultrasound assured us that our baby was

healthy, despite my inability to keep food or drinks

down half the time.

Clearly I didn't qualify as having HG, right? Maybe the symptoms were all from having a parasite... Maybe that one time was from food poisoning... and that other time was probably food poisoning, too, right? ...or there was some kind of stomach bug going around that other week. That must have been it.

The sick periods were desperate. I would lie in bed waiting for the next vomiting episode to strike. Sometimes I felt a little better for a few minutes after clearing out everything in my system. I might try to eat or drink something (but that meant I would throw up even sooner!). If I didn't eat or drink anything, I knew I would definitely throw up again, too... My body needed food! When I would kneel at my sacred throw-up bowl, the exhaustion and desperation would often bring me to tears. When you've been exhausting yourself clearing out your entire insides every 30-60 minutes for 24 or 48 or 72 hours, you almost want to die. It seems like it will never, ever, end.

Somehow, though, I would eventually find something that would keep the vomiting at bay long enough for me to recover for the time being. Sometimes it was sipping an electrolyte mixture you could buy at the local pharmacies and mix with water. If I had one teaspoonful every fifteen minutes (starting 15 minutes after vomiting), sometimes that would do the trick. If I could fall asleep for several hours, my odds of temporary recovery were even higher. One time a friend made me a homemade beef stew, and that saved me after a particularly bad few days. Somehow I was able to sip it and keep it down! (Again, this is a paragraph where many HG sufferers would completely envy me! Some people never get a break.)

When things would calm down, I told myself it was over. After a few days in bed to recover from the dehydration, I was back at work. Full time. In a foreign language and culture. In a place where you cook everything from scratch and you can't drink the tap water. (Yes, that means there were no ready-made meals to stick in the microwave for dinner so I could head to bed early.) Somehow, within a week, I would be surprised and disappointed to find myself stuck in bed with my sacred throw-up bowl again as my trusty companion.

This is not the actual beef stew I ate. Mine had smaller bits of pureed food.
Photo by ZHU GUOYONG on Unsplash

By my third pregnancy, I had figured out that, in addition to antinausea medicines that are available in the U.S. and acid reflux medication, I had to GET MORE REST to avoid continuing to return to this state! There was no way I should have attempted to work full-time. I learned that I needed to try to get 10 hours of sleep per night and not do anything too taxing during the day (especially physical stress, but emotional stress could be a factor, too). If I did, I needed extra rest the next day—if it wasn't already too late.

I plan to talk a little more about the strategies that helped me survive my most recent pregnancy in the next post. Why am I writing about all this? For one, I still need to process my experiences. Writing helps me sort out everything going on in my head and with my emotions so I can deal with it all in a healthy way. ...but why share? One reason is that I hope to connect with other people who have had similar experiences. I hope I can in some way encourage them, even if it's just by encouraging them to seek help. If your current doctor isn't taking your concerns seriously, find someone else! If your employer or family or whoever is not helping you find ways to modify your life to get more rest and regain some of your health, find ways to get more help! Ask your doctor for resources. Contact friends and family to brainstorm ways they can help.

Finally, I'm sharing my story because I want to encourage all of you to reach out to friends who are struggling (whether with HG or with other health or life crises), to find ways to help and encourage and serve, and to encourage them to get help. (Need I say that women with hyperemesis gravidarum, many of whom wanted to have a child, are more likely to have an abortion? For some sad stories about real women with HG, read here: https://abcnews.go.com/Health/Wellness/women-hellish-morning-sickness-elect-abortion/story?id=11043146 or here: https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/apr/24/abortion-extreme-morning-sickness-hyperemesis-gravidarum .)

I'm sure if I were in the U.S., I would have been on an IV with my first pregnancy—or perhaps we would have found medicines to help more. Instead, I just lay in bed, sipping my electrolyte drink, hoping some of it would get absorbed before I threw it up. There was no way I could do that with my third pregnancy. I had two small kids to care for, and I knew I couldn't make it without help.

On Potty Training

Originally, I was hoping to write my blog posts in a logical order, but I don't think that's going to happen. I'll just do my best to link to related posts as I go. :)

I've had a couple of conversations about potty training recently, so it's on my mind, and I'd like to share some thoughts about my experience. (I've only been through this with one child so far, so I'm sure I'll have a whole different set of thoughts and experiences in the future!)

Tip #1: Don't read potty training books. No, seriously, you can if you want. I like to read all about things before I try anything, but be sure to talk to real people and hear their stories and get a variety of opinions before feeling like you need to follow a particular "approach". See Intro. to Parenting: Advice about changing your mind on approaches as you go. (Every kid is different, right?)

What I really mean, though, is beware what potty training books you read with your kids. One of the books that I read suggested watching potty training videos with your kids and and reading books about kids potty training. THINK CAREFULLY about what books and videos you use!

Resources we tried:

Two books from the library - We started reading these a week or two before beginning official potty training. Both books from the library had the same basic plot: Mommy gives little kid a potty/potty seat and big kid underwear to excitedly announce that it's time to start going on the potty. Kid sits on the potty but doesn't go. Later, kid has an accident while wearing big kid underwear. A little later, kid recognizes the need to go potty and successfully goes on the potty. Everyone is happy. One of the books was even about a girl who shared her name with our daughter. Perfect, right?

This is pretty much how potty training is supposed to go, isn't it? The problem is that toddlers/2-year-olds don't understand plot. To me as an adult, it was obvious that the climax of the story happened at the end, when the kid successfully learned to go on the potty. However, this was not obvious to my daughter. She was fascinated by the page with a puddle on the floor. She would get the book and ask to see that page. "Peepee on the floor?" This should have been a red flag to alert me that it was not wise to begin potty training in the near future. However, I thought she was ready for potty training and that if we followed the formula, things would progress according to plan.

Daniel Tiger's potty episode (Episode 111, or Season 2 Episode 1) - In case you're not familiar with Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood, it can be a great resource. The characters from the Land of Make Believe from Mr. Roger's Neighborhood have grown up, and their kids or relatives are in preschool in this animated show on PBS. Each episode has two short stories with a related theme and a short, catchy song that is used off and on throughout the episode to teach kids the day's lesson.

For the potty episode, the song is, "When you have to go potty, stop and go right away. Flush and wash, and be on your way." My daughter learned the song quickly and would sing it off and on. However, as young kids are prone to do, she used it against me. I had heard advice that once you put kids in big kid underwear, there's no turning back. If you put them back in diapers, it will confuse them. I'm sure this is helpful advice in some cases, but here's where it led for us: She was having frequent accidents throughout the day and going on the potty with less success than before we started official potty training. I still put her in underwear for her nap and bedtime, so I was afraid not to let her get up to go potty when she said she needed to. (Washing sheets, blankets, stuffed animals, etc. 2 or more times a day isn't much fun.) She "needed to go" (often unsuccessfully) about every 5 minutes. When I would try to tell her good night, she started protesting by singing, "When you have to go potty, stop and go right away...". Just beware that anything you use can and will be used against you.

Tip #2: Beware of a fast-paced approach and excessive sugar and treats

So... we tried this whole "potty training in a day" technique that some people just love. (This may work great for you. I'm not saying you can't try it.) Basically, you feed your kid lots of sugary drinks so they have to go potty a lot, and you give them lots of fun snacks/sugary treats every time they go successfully or every time you check and their underwear is dry. You also potty train a doll first, and they get to eat treats for the doll, too. The idea is great. You demonstrate with the doll and even have the kid teach the doll so they understand what needs to happen before they actually do it. (There are actually a couple of different books that outline this procedure: Toilet Training in Less than a Day is an older book that is geared toward younger kids (even younger than age 2), and Potty Train Your Child in Just One Day is more geared toward older kids (around age 3). There are other, similar books as well, and some people prefer a 2- to 3-day technique, which is really what often ends up happening anyway.)

Problem #1: She already knew how to go on the potty. Our daughter had expressed interest in the potty around 18 months or a little older, and we let her try to go sometimes, which had turned into an attempt before naptime and bedtime every day. She often went on the potty successfully during these times and understood the concept, though she couldn't tell us when she needed to go. This made the whole "potty training a doll" concept a little pointless and probably confusing--except that it demonstrated how the reward system would work and the concept of wet versus dry underwear.

Problem #2: There was way too much sugar involved they way we did it. Our daughter wasn't used to having much sugar, and she was way too hyper/out of control to sleep at naptime or stay in bed that night. (I'm sure the excitement of the day had some effect, too.) When we decided we were through with frequent sugary treats, we told her that instead, when she filled up all the stickers on her chart, she could have a cupcake. (That was the one thing we knew would motivate her, and we had some on hand.) She was extremely excited about this, and, despite not having napped that day, was still up at 11p.m. sitting on the potty. She was exhausted and crying, saying "It's so hard..." I then told her the stickers were tired and needed to go to bed, and she wasn't going to get any more stickers that night whether or not she went on the potty.

After a couple of days of late-night battles, where I wanted to encourage potty training (and not having accidents in bed) while also encouraging sleep, I vowed that in the future she would wear diapers (or Pull-Ups) for naps and bedtime until she had mastered the potty-training thing and was staying dry at night.

Problem #3: I was about 7 months pregnant at the time. You're not supposed to potty train shortly before or after having a new baby because it's too much change and stress for the older child. This was the first point in my pregnancy that I felt well enough to tackle something like this, but I felt like the time was short before we entered the "pre-baby" window. Also, did I mention we were planning to travel the next weekend? Talk about stress and deadlines! Travel and deadlines are also not recommended when potty training, but it was the only time that seemed to work for us. However, the energetic, all-or-nothing potty training approach was pretty exhausting. Did I mention I was 7 months pregnant?

Speaking of travel, since for some reason I thought it was important to do a "no turning back" approach to potty training and keep my kid in underwear all the time, it was very hard to leave the house. She was having accidents more than going on the potty (even by day 3; in fact, maybe moreso by day 3). I was spending half my day doing laundry: washing my clothes, her clothes, dirty underwear, bedding, towels that I had used to clean up various parts of the house (thank goodness for tile floors! ...but I had to try to keep her off the furniture, which was harder to clean), etc. I wasn't ready to add the carseat to the list of things I had to dismantle and clean every day, not to mention the risk of getting carpets wet at other people's houses.

Part of the problem was that I had read that you should put your kid in "big kid" underwear, not training pants. I now think that this actually meant don't put them in Pull-Ups/disposable training pants (though I used those when leaving the house for a couple of weeks with our later potty training attempt). I fully recommend putting your kid in cloth training pants, the underwear that is thicker and absorbs a little more, so there's not so much mess to clean up every time. Also, maybe my daughter would have found it a little less fascinating to be wet with a small leak than to make a big puddle on the floor. (You may not find these with your kid's favorite character on them, though. Feel free to try regular underwear with your kid if you want. It might work better for you.)

Tip #3: Think carefully about how to handle accidents, and adapt to your situation.

Now, I knew that you're supposed to be positive and encouraging during potty training. Punishing can backfire, and kids (generally) don't have accidents on purpose, so it's not something they should get in trouble for. However, I had read that you're supposed to tell them accidents are okay and not a big deal. (Remember what I said about reading too much?) Well, I'm pretty sure my daughter thought that accidents were always part of the process (that's what the kids did in the potty training book, right?), and I needed to make it a little more clear that, while they may happen on occasion, that's not what we're going for. Did I mention that by the third day she was having more accidents than successes and was going on the potty less frequently than before we started potty training??

I was working part-time, and and I had an (unrelated) meeting with my supervisor on day 3 of potty training. She asked how things were going, and I burst into tears. Seriously. (Remember the 7-months-pregnant note above?) Anyway, that's when I decided that, despite what people said about not going back to diapers, it was time to call it quits and reclaim some of our sanity while we still had any. Best decision I could have made.

Fast forward 7 months: During diaper changes, I would often remind her that when she's a big girl and goes on the potty all the time, she won't have to lie still for diaper changes, and also that I wouldn't have to wipe her so much (which she didn't like). One day, shortly before she turned 3, she disappeared for a few minutes. When she came back, she told me that she had gone number 2 on the potty. She never went number 2 in her diaper again. Not long after that, I started putting her in big girl underwear (this time we used the ones with some padding, the cloth training pants) on mornings when we were going to be home and reminding her that she needed to go in the potty when it was time to go. Before long, she was doing that on her own and rarely having accidents. Now she's in underwear all the time (except naps and bedtime, but I think she's almost ready for that--though we'll probably keep the potty by her bed so she can use it on her own and not use it as an excuse to call for us).

Did I mention I'm SO glad we gave up on our earlier attempt and waited till she was a little older? Even if kids seem to fit some of the characteristics of readiness for potty training, the timing may not be right. I feel like we could have gone through many stressful months of attempted potty training while adjusting to life with a newborn if I'd followed the advice to "not go back to diapers" after potty training. However, I'm SO thankful that we called it quits and waited till she was mentally or developmentally ready to do it on her own. It saved us all a lot of sanity. (I was careful not to make her feel like a failure, telling her that Daddy and I had talked, and we thought it would be better to wait and try potty training again when she's a little older since she was still having a lot of accidents. I told her she had worked really hard, but we're going to take a break for a while and try again in a few months.)

From what I've heard, a lot of kids have a window of readiness around or shortly before age 3 as they become more socially aware. However, the exact age may vary some from kid to kid. From what I've read or heard, I suspect there's also another window earlier. We seemed to have missed that window, and there were way too many developmental and power struggle factors coming into play when we tried it around 27 months. (This time may work for some, though.) I wonder if the earlier window worked better when more kids were wearing cloth diapers (the kind with safety pins), where they were more aware of their own discomfort after going in their diaper.

Other options: Some moms try putting their kid in underwear one day a month until they seem to "get it". Others do an hour a day to help them get used to it and see when they start getting it. Either of these techniques helps you discover when the child is developmentally ready without having to do so much guess work (and without a ton of sugar--and pressure). Of course, if your child is in childcare, their teacher will probably encourage them to try going on the potty each day once they reach a certain age, and they will see other kids in their class going. The desire to be like peers can play a positive role (especially as they approach age 3).

Moms in some cultures potty train their kids even earlier, either by paying close attention to their baby's signs or by teaching the baby to go number one when they hear a certain sound while being held over a potty. For more thoughts on those techniques, look into infant potty training--but be warned that it may involve a lot of diaper-free time.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck! ...and remember that you're not a failure if you decide the timing isn't right, and it's fine to wait and try again later! Do whatever is the least stressful and makes the most sense for your situation. As with any parenting issue, don't feel like you have to follow all the advice you get. :)

(Dear daughter, sorry if you're traumatized reading this post in the future. Maybe I'll delete it later. ...if you bribe me with a cupcake.)

The first 2 months: General thoughts

I'd like to write down a few thoughts on the first few months with a baby before I forget the details (which is already happening). I had a huge learning curve with my first, so I want to write down some of the things I learned that helped with my second. I'll be breaking this up into a few separate posts, though.

Here's your baby!
Congratulations! You survived the challenges of pregnancy and childbirth, and now you have a new baby in your arms! Now, it's finally time to get some rest, right? I wish! Welcome to baby boot camp, or what I like to call hazing for the new parents!

Well, okay, at first, your baby may sleep a lot, and I tried to sleep whenever I could at this point (which can be challenging if you're in the hospital). Obviously, even when you're home, you should try to sleep whenever you get a chance. (This is, of course, easier if you only have one child or if you have family around helping you out, but my husband and I found ways to help each other get a little extra sleep even with our second. What worked for us was for him to sometimes take a nap in the late evening while I watched the kids (i.e., baby who is screaming instead of sleeping), and I would go back to bed for a bit after feeding our baby in the morning, while he got breakfast for himself and our 2-year-old.)

I really hope you have some people bringing you meals early on or that you've made a bunch of freezer meals in advance. (No? Maybe I should write a post about things to do before the baby comes! They're a lifesaver. ...though if you're like me and feel exhausted and sick for most of your pregnancy (and/or you make a long-distance move), it can be hard to make that happen! Maybe we can talk more about food prep later, too? I ended up eating more fast food than usual when my first was a baby! Obviously, healthy food is the best for optimal mommy and baby health, but you do what you have to at this stage...)

If you're like me and you often don't have much success with napping during the day, you might find it helpful to do whatever will give you energy while your baby's sleeping. This might mean a few minutes outside in the sun (which you can also do with baby awake), reading a book (sometimes listening to an audiobook would help me fall asleep for a nap), or possibly even washing some dishes. (Hey--some people are weird like that. Seriously, though, sometimes it gives me energy to know I've been productive and I can rest later with one less thing to worry about.) When my baby fell asleep for a nap, if I managed to drag myself off the couch, I would ask myself, "What will I most regret not doing if my baby wakes up in the next few minutes?" (Usually, this was something like "go to the bathroom" or "refill my cup of water." I would work down my mental priority list from there. It's completely okay if "rest" is at the top of your list.)

Will I always feel exhausted?
Sorry. You probably will for a while, though some weeks will be better than other weeks. I find after about 6 weeks things start getting gradually easier and more fun. (Dates like this may need to be adjusted for your baby's due date if your baby is premature.) It will get better soon! The fog will lift! You will be a normal human being again.

Rough spots
Your baby may have a growth spurt sometime around 3 weeks where he or she is fussier and needs to eat more often.

Also, between 5 and 6 weeks can be a really rough period. (Again, adjust these dates based on your baby's due date if your little one was premature.) This tends to be the "peak of fussiness," as many call it. There are various opinions as to why that is (Dr. Weissbluth of Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child thinks that it's because your child's sleep and wake cycles aren't aligned yet), but the good news is that your baby is likely to start getting less fussy soon.

My second actually starting having screaming/crying periods the first week or two, even though bad fussy periods aren't "supposed to" start until about 2 weeks (and last until at least 6 weeks). I was afraid we were really in for it--until I decided that maybe his screaming was due to gas pain (though plenty of books will tell you your baby's fussiness is not related to digestion), and I started really working on his latch while nursing so he wasn't swallowing so much air. (I also started giving him simethicone gas drops with feedings and spending more time (and varying positions) trying to get him to burp.) Fortunately, his nightly screaming period improved well before the 6-week "peak of fussiness"!

Babies also tend to have a growth spurt around this time (5-6 weeks) AND one of the "Wonder Weeks" or developmental leaps happens around now. (More about Wonder Weeks in a separate post.) A triple blow! No wonder this is a rough spot!

I feel like 6 weeks was an important milestone for me with my babies. Things can be challenging in the beginning, especially if it's your first--or if your baby screams ALL the time, like my first. However, after about 6 weeks of age, babies tend to start smiling more and making happy "cooing" sounds. I LOVE that! There's nothing like having a little one whom you've exhausted yourself for for several weeks finally start acting like they like you a little bit--and like maybe they can enjoy life. Seriously, though, I do hope you get quiet moments where you can enjoy your little one even before this point. I'm just saying, from this point on, things start to get a lot more fun. They gradually become less fussy, more fun to be around, and (generally) easier to take care of.

Decoding Baby Cries
Some people say you can't really distinguish baby cries until they're older. However, Priscilla Dunstan of Australia, who has an amazing ear for music, claims to have decoded the fussy sounds that newborns make just before they start all-out crying. I think there's actually something to what she says! Look for the video of her Oprah appearance online or check out her videos, available for purchase at dunstanbaby.com. I would note, though, that I have noticed my babies sometimes make the hungry sound when they're tired. Sometimes they just want something to suck on so they can relax and fall asleep! Probably the most helpful sound to decode is the "eh" sound for needing to burp. It's important to get those burps out before you finish nursing them! Otherwise, you end up with spit up or lower gas pain. (By "you," I mean your baby. I hope. ...though I can't actually guarantee the spit up's final destination.)

Soothing the Crying
Did you know babies cry less later in the day if they're held more earlier in the day? I'm not saying you need to hold your baby constantly. Everybody needs to lie down for a nap sometimes, but there are many benefits to cuddling with your baby during the day and holding them close to your chest. You can even wear them in a carrier that holds them close to your chest. (Just make sure they're in a safe position and not in a C-curve and that they have plenty of room to breathe. Read any instructions that come with the carrier you have!)

Also, if you respond to your baby's cries right away (within the first few minutes), they cry less when they're older. However, keep in mind that "responding to their cries" doesn't mean that you need to nurse them constantly. I think the main idea here is to feed them when they're hungry, help them sleep (there are different ways to do this) when they're tired, and change them if they need to be changed. More on feeding and napping to come in a future post... Babies often have fussy periods when all their needs are taken care of, too. It's up to you how you handle these times, and it could depend on your particular situation.

For general soothing of fussiness (or screaming, depending on your baby), you might check out the book or video The Happiest Baby on the Block by Dr. Harvey Karp, or just read online about the 5 S's: swaddle, side/stomach (not recommended for safe sleeping, but holding them on their tummies or sides can help), shushing (loudly across their ear--not blowing directly into the eardrum; or some white noise machines can help), swing, sucking (nursing or pacifier). Note that pacifier use is not recommended in early weeks for breastfeeding moms because it may interfere with proper breastfeeding (but this is debated, and plenty of moms use one anyway).

Personally, I find that my babies need to eat a little more often in the evening in those early weeks. I also find it helpful sometimes to hold my babies upright on my shoulder and pat them while shushing in their ear to calm them--or swinging/swaying back and forth with them. Faster swinging/swaying tends to help calm a fussy baby, while slower movements are more conducive to sleep. My babies also LOVED going outside. I don't remember the details with my first, but my second would stop crying almost immediately when we stepped outside holding him. My husband would often take him on a walk outside as soon as he got home from work. Even if it's cold out, babies can still be outside for a few minutes if they're bundled up. I believe spending time outdoors has many health benefits for everyone!

Keep in mind, too, if your baby is acting more upset than usual, something could be wrong. Gas drops (simethicone) can be used with feedings to help reduce gas, and gripe water can be used to help soothe tummy troubles. Some people use probiotics to help with digestion. Just make sure it's a kind that's safe for babies. (Please run any medicines by your doctor to make sure they're okay in your situation.) Also, doctors can prescribe medicines for acid reflux or GERD. One other random thing to keep an eye out for if your child is unusually upset is to make sure your baby doesn't have a hair wrapped around a finger or toe, cutting off circulation (tourniquet syndrome). This is rare but serious, and apparently the hairs can be hard to spot.

I hope to write a couple more posts soon about the first two months, but this one is long enough for now. Just know that everything will be getting easier in a couple of months! Press on! ...and sleep when you can.

Note that I am NOT a medical professional. I'm just sharing thoughts based on my experiences and on what I've read. Please trust your gut and talk to your pediatrician if you have any medical concerns about your baby.

Intro. to Parenting: Advice

Congrats! You're a new parent! Pull up a chair, and let's talk.

You probably have no idea what you've gotten yourself into. That's okay. Welcome to the club. (If you do, in fact, feel well prepared, I'd love to have your thoughts and insights in the comments on my blog posts! In fact, I'd love for anyone to comment. You just need a Gmail or Google login. Do please try to say things nicely, though... :) )

My guess is you have lots of people trying to offer you parenting advice. If not, don't worry. It will come soon (like when you're standing in the check-out line at a grocery store with a screaming baby. Or two-year-old. Or teenager.).

Remember that most people mean well, even if they don't come across that way at all. They tell you how to do things because they want to help. They may think you're doing things wrong and don't know any better, or they may just want to share a piece of advice that was life-changing for them so that it can benefit someone else. They forget that they don't know all the background for what's going on, and that what they say may be completely irrelevant to the situation. ...or it doesn't occur to them that perhaps they raised their children completely differently than the way you want to raise your children.

So... Let's agree on a couple of things, okay? First, please forgive me if I ever give you advice that's not helpful. I may just be in brainstorming/problem-solving mode, really wanting to find a solution that can help in a given scenario, even if I don't know all the details.

Second, let's try not to judge other parents. Remember that the things they do in public or even when they have company over may be drastically different from the things they normally do at home. (I'm not saying you should suddenly stop disciplining your kids or following through with what you say when you're away from home. I'm just saying you may let your kids eat things or do things that wouldn't be part of a normal day at home--especially if they've missed a nap or two in this scenario.) It's also good to remember that questions can sometimes come across as accusations even when they're genuinely intended as questions.

In fact, with that question versus accusation thing, it's good to remember that when you're on the receiving end, too! I remember when we were preparing for an overseas move, and we were busy and stressed for weeks (months?) trying to get ready. We had a mound of paperwork to work through and various important documents to obtain. We traveled for training, and we had people and churches to meet with and to communicate with. We needed to sort through every possession we had ever owned to decide what to do with it when we left the country.

The logistics were endless, and trying to plan a move to a continent we had never even visited before was no easy task. We were also both working a couple of part-time jobs to make up for some gaps in income. I was quite stressed and overwhelmed with all that needed to be done.

Someone asked why my husband wasn't working in his previous position, and I explained that we were busy preparing to go overseas. "What kinds of things are you doing? What's keeping you so busy?" the person asked. I can see now, looking back, that he was probably genuinely curious. (I wish I'd had my to-do list with me at that moment!) However, at the time, the question made me feel stressed and defensive. I didn't even know where to start to answer that question.

Because we serve with an organization where our funding comes from individuals and churches who give, I feel responsible to everyone for how we use our time and resources. When someone questioned me, I felt like we were being accused of not doing enough, not working hard enough. I felt stressed by a simple question because of the stress and pressure I was under at the time.

The moral of the story is: remember that sometimes people ask questions simply because they genuinely want to know. Also remember, especially when you're talking to someone who is stressed and sleep-deprived (e.g. a new mom), that asking them a question out of curiosity about why they're doing something the way they are might easily get translated into, "Why on earth would you do things that way? What's wrong with you?" in the listener's head. Let's all try to show a little grace to one another and try to remember that people generally mean well, even if they don't know how to express it.

In case you've forgotten what we were talking about, the subject was (primarily unsolicited) parenting advice, and I was planning to share a third point. (Forgot the first two already? The summary is: try not to judge me, and sorry if I ever sound like I'm judging you. I really want to help.)

Third point: Listen. Seriously. Feel free to completely disregard any and all advice people give you, but at least listen to it. It may come in handy later. This brings me to the main piece of advice I have for this post (take it or leave it).

Here's some unsolicited advice from me: Be willing to change your parenting strategies. This was perhaps some of the best advice we received as new parents. You will try lots of things. You will make lots of mistakes. (This is very frustrating for a perfectionist, but sometimes you don't know whether something will work until you try it for a while. You can't actually predict the future to know how well something will work without trying it.)

Even if you find the perfect solution for a problem or the perfect way to handle a situation, your child will continue to grow and change, and you may need a different approach a few months later (or a couple of weeks later if we're talking about babies!). I'm fact, sometimes in the middle of disciplining your child, you will realize that your approach is backfiring, and you may need to change your strategy on the spot!

I hope to share some resources that you may find helpful soon, but this post is long enough as it is. (Half of it is actually about moving overseas rather than parenting, so if you've ever contemplated an overseas move, I'd be happy to sit down and chat about that, too. However, I'm a bit fuzzy on the details. We've made another international move and had two kids since then. This does not leave one's brain in a very good state for remembering details. Beware: baby brain is coming to you, too.)

Finding Joy in Parenting

I'm a recovering perfectionist. I'm not saying being a perfectionist is always bad. I think every personality trait has good and bad aspects, and the trick is to learn to apply our traits and gifts in the best ways and to reign in the areas where our traits bring negative consequences.

Anyway, speaking of reigning in, let's get back to the point: I like being able to plan and control things. I like feeling productive. While I enjoy some spontaneity, I also like when things go "my way". Don't we all?

Raising kids challenges this. When I spend most of my day at home with young kids, I somehow feel like I'm not being productive. Yes, I may have managed to feed our family and mostly put kids down for naps when they needed it and (I hope) kept the children from watching too much tv, but that tends not to feel like a productive day to me. Many days, I haven't done anything to contribute to society outside of our home. I haven't worked on the nagging to-do list in my head (or on pieces of paper that have been misplaced around the house). I didn't bring in any income. I didn't even finish folding that load of laundry I started on Tuesday.

You know what, though? Raising kids is a big job. Whether you work outside the home, home school your kids, raise 10 kids or raise 1, raising kids is a lot of work. I don't just mean that it's time consuming. It's an important job. We're raising the next generation of leaders. What could be a greater legacy to leave than that? There will be phases of life when you feel more "productive" in other areas, but right now is your best chance to invest in the lives of your kids and to establish relationships that will last a lifetime. These are very influential years, and you won't get them back. I want to learn to enjoy this phase of life, to value my kids as much as (or more than!) other pursuits and to treasure the opportunity to raise them and teach them what's important in life.

I recently read a handout I received from Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) about laughter. Think about how many situations with your kids could be handled with laughter rather than frustration. Kids do lots of silly things (and lots of potentially annoying things), but they're learning, exploring and experimenting. Unless they clearly disobeyed a rule you established, the things they try and the messes they make can be good entertainment instead of reasons for frustration. I find it helpful to try to keep a joyful attitude and look for the humor in situations instead of constantly getting frustrated.

I'll never forget when my son was 2 months old (actually, this was not very long ago), and his digestive system went through some kind of change. For a while, he had been, um, clearing out his intestines just about every time he had a feeding, but he hit some kind of digestive developmental milestone and stopped clearing his intestines. For 10 days! I knew there had to be a big one coming. I went about my days as if everything was normal, but I knew at any moment he could explode.

It was a Thursday morning, and I was in my ladies' Bible study at church. He was sitting in my lap after eating when it struck. It was loud. Everyone in the room could tell what he was up to. (Why do babies choose the quietest moments for loud bodily functions?) I tried to stifle my laughter. More came. Loudly. I smiled another embarrassed smile. "Uh... should we go to the nursery?" I asked. The other women assured me that baby noises were welcome in our group. More came. More. Finally I felt like he must surely be done. I excused myself, picked up the diaper bag, and headed for the changing table in the nursery. This is where I made my crucial mistake. I picked my son up by holding him with one arm under his bottom. If you've ever had a baby with a diaper containing about 5 times the recommended diaper allowance, perhaps you know what's coming.

With the pressure of my hand on his overfilled diaper, the contents began oozing out onto my arm. I walked faster. Okay. That's probably all that will come out during the 30 second walk to the changing table, right? Wrong. There was more. And more. I set him down on the changing table, but it kept coming. I don't know how I kept from getting it on my clothes, but it was certainly all over his clothes. And back. And leg. And my hand. And arm. I was cracking up laughing at this point, and I was SO thankful a friend from church was working in the nursery. I needed back-up! "I need wipes," I said. "Lots of wipes. And paper towels."

The clean-up process began. "Just keep the paper towels coming," I said.

Somehow we missed the last 15 minutes of Bible study, including the entire prayer time. I was still in there cleaning us up and changing his diaper and clothes when everyone else was heading home. However, it wasn't as bad as it could have been because I was mentally prepared for a disaster, and I couldn't stop laughing the whole time. Sometimes it's best to prepare yourself for the worst case scenario.

I hope to write another post later on about being productive and what that can look like with little ones at home. I hope to write many posts about practical things I've learned along the way that have helped me navigate the baby and toddler years (and beyond). For now, though, I'll say that I'm working on parenting with joy. I want to remember what it was like to be a kid and how wonderful it is to have parents that encourage and shape our enthusiasm, rather than stifling it. I want to enjoy life with my kids, not make life miserable for them because I want to follow all my own pursuits.

That reminds me: Another article I read recently was about the effects our stress as parents has on our kids. When parents are stressed, kids are stressed. Stress in kids' lives leads to all kinds of negative consequences. So, when you're living in stress, it might be a good time to stop and reevaluate. What could you change to make your life more manageable? How can you change your perspective so that you're enjoying your time with your kids instead of feeling hindered by it?

To clarify, I'm not saying you should never try to be productive or do things by yourself. I'm saying there should be balance. Kids can learn to play on their own, but they also need lots of time to play with you and learn from you. They need your love and attention, not just your discipline. (I hope to share more thoughts on discipline later...)

In case you want some more good perspective on life with little ones, here are a couple of books I'm reading and finding helpful: Loving the Little Years: Motherhood in the Trenches by Rachel Jankovic and Treasuring Christ When Your Hands Are Full: Gospel Meditations for Busy Moms by Gloria Furman. Mostly, I find it helpful to remember that my job right now is to mold and shape these little people into all that God has created them to be, step by step, day by day, helping them to explore, learn, love, and find their full potential.