Intro. to Parenting: Advice

Congrats! You're a new parent! Pull up a chair, and let's talk.

You probably have no idea what you've gotten yourself into. That's okay. Welcome to the club. (If you do, in fact, feel well prepared, I'd love to have your thoughts and insights in the comments on my blog posts! In fact, I'd love for anyone to comment. You just need a Gmail or Google login. Do please try to say things nicely, though... :) )

My guess is you have lots of people trying to offer you parenting advice. If not, don't worry. It will come soon (like when you're standing in the check-out line at a grocery store with a screaming baby. Or two-year-old. Or teenager.).

Remember that most people mean well, even if they don't come across that way at all. They tell you how to do things because they want to help. They may think you're doing things wrong and don't know any better, or they may just want to share a piece of advice that was life-changing for them so that it can benefit someone else. They forget that they don't know all the background for what's going on, and that what they say may be completely irrelevant to the situation. ...or it doesn't occur to them that perhaps they raised their children completely differently than the way you want to raise your children.

So... Let's agree on a couple of things, okay? First, please forgive me if I ever give you advice that's not helpful. I may just be in brainstorming/problem-solving mode, really wanting to find a solution that can help in a given scenario, even if I don't know all the details.

Second, let's try not to judge other parents. Remember that the things they do in public or even when they have company over may be drastically different from the things they normally do at home. (I'm not saying you should suddenly stop disciplining your kids or following through with what you say when you're away from home. I'm just saying you may let your kids eat things or do things that wouldn't be part of a normal day at home--especially if they've missed a nap or two in this scenario.) It's also good to remember that questions can sometimes come across as accusations even when they're genuinely intended as questions.

In fact, with that question versus accusation thing, it's good to remember that when you're on the receiving end, too! I remember when we were preparing for an overseas move, and we were busy and stressed for weeks (months?) trying to get ready. We had a mound of paperwork to work through and various important documents to obtain. We traveled for training, and we had people and churches to meet with and to communicate with. We needed to sort through every possession we had ever owned to decide what to do with it when we left the country.

The logistics were endless, and trying to plan a move to a continent we had never even visited before was no easy task. We were also both working a couple of part-time jobs to make up for some gaps in income. I was quite stressed and overwhelmed with all that needed to be done.

Someone asked why my husband wasn't working in his previous position, and I explained that we were busy preparing to go overseas. "What kinds of things are you doing? What's keeping you so busy?" the person asked. I can see now, looking back, that he was probably genuinely curious. (I wish I'd had my to-do list with me at that moment!) However, at the time, the question made me feel stressed and defensive. I didn't even know where to start to answer that question.

Because we serve with an organization where our funding comes from individuals and churches who give, I feel responsible to everyone for how we use our time and resources. When someone questioned me, I felt like we were being accused of not doing enough, not working hard enough. I felt stressed by a simple question because of the stress and pressure I was under at the time.

The moral of the story is: remember that sometimes people ask questions simply because they genuinely want to know. Also remember, especially when you're talking to someone who is stressed and sleep-deprived (e.g. a new mom), that asking them a question out of curiosity about why they're doing something the way they are might easily get translated into, "Why on earth would you do things that way? What's wrong with you?" in the listener's head. Let's all try to show a little grace to one another and try to remember that people generally mean well, even if they don't know how to express it.

In case you've forgotten what we were talking about, the subject was (primarily unsolicited) parenting advice, and I was planning to share a third point. (Forgot the first two already? The summary is: try not to judge me, and sorry if I ever sound like I'm judging you. I really want to help.)

Third point: Listen. Seriously. Feel free to completely disregard any and all advice people give you, but at least listen to it. It may come in handy later. This brings me to the main piece of advice I have for this post (take it or leave it).

Here's some unsolicited advice from me: Be willing to change your parenting strategies. This was perhaps some of the best advice we received as new parents. You will try lots of things. You will make lots of mistakes. (This is very frustrating for a perfectionist, but sometimes you don't know whether something will work until you try it for a while. You can't actually predict the future to know how well something will work without trying it.)

Even if you find the perfect solution for a problem or the perfect way to handle a situation, your child will continue to grow and change, and you may need a different approach a few months later (or a couple of weeks later if we're talking about babies!). I'm fact, sometimes in the middle of disciplining your child, you will realize that your approach is backfiring, and you may need to change your strategy on the spot!

I hope to share some resources that you may find helpful soon, but this post is long enough as it is. (Half of it is actually about moving overseas rather than parenting, so if you've ever contemplated an overseas move, I'd be happy to sit down and chat about that, too. However, I'm a bit fuzzy on the details. We've made another international move and had two kids since then. This does not leave one's brain in a very good state for remembering details. Beware: baby brain is coming to you, too.)